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*walking in the woods
*A Course in Miracles
*music turned up way too loud
*laughing + playing with friends
*hanging out in kindergarten
I love my job
This epic year, so much change, so much transformation. Lots of pain but I am grateful for my perspective and all the people who helped me navigate it…
- my neighbor girl who’s own life has undergone epic epic change.
- my fifth sister who is safe harbor no matter what.
- my family who have been huddled closer as we go through major transformation.
- my child for staying on the planet and displaying amazing perseverance.
- namesake for agreeing to stay here with me no matter what.
- my dad for sharing his burden with all of us – we are all better for going through this.
- my brother for understanding things in new ways.
- as I write this I realize how amazing my people are.
- my puppy who has saved my ass every damn day.
- the new people who have presented themselves this year and helped me understand myself in ways I previously didn’t.
- friends who are articulate, with the exact dose of emotional intelligence necessary to understand my silly world.
- all the podcasts I listened to and my epic trip to Boston to see one live.
- squishy hugs that grounded me and helped to keep me safe in the moment.
- walking in the woods this summer and learning to enjoy walking on the beach.
- the time and space to make art just because.
- learning how not to be attached to outcomes.
- being able to connect with spirit in new ways and having some confidence about it.
- finding joy in teaching little ones how to read.
- connecting with old friends in ways I couldn’t before my relationship ended – the void that left, which still stops me in my tracks with grief – has opened up space for more people to show their love and appreciation for me in ways I wouldn’t have experienced.
- my therapeutic person for getting it and being a nurturing loving presence in my life.
- my social worker friend who walks this parenting walk with me every step of the way.
- having time and space to go on some adventures with old and new friends this summer.
- the simplicity of walking around my adopted home town and sampling the local offerings with friends who make me laugh.
- turning 50 and feeling 25.
- getting to see parts of my adopted state I hadn’t seen before.
I could write a list of 1000 things I was grateful for this year. One of my old friends recently said hello with a holiday update – I hadn’t talked with him in several months. As I heard myself relay my update of this year, I realized how bleak it sounded to his fresh ears. It is bleak – it’s been a crappy year and honestly – I’ve had a lot of sorrow and heartbreak for much of the last several years. I have been learning to temper my sadness and anger with the gifts of every situation – even the ones filled with despair. I think it might be the trick to surviving.
Next year, I know things will be lighter. I know that I have to let people in and learn how to feel safe.
Work in progress, trusting this life.
- grateful for a snow day when I could bake and make Christmas presents all day
- and hang out with 5th sister and her girl
- and laugh my ass off while my friend told me silly jokes
- and make fun plans for tomorrow
- long night’s sleep
- smart decisions last night
- finished a project
- a cup of tea with 5th sister
- grateful for new friends I made this year
- and for some peace amid the storm
- driving through four states so I could have lunch and some fun with a life long friend
- safe drive home listening to music and talking with friends
- so grateful to be home
- friend keeping me company during errands this morning
- safe and peaceful drive
- fun hanging out with my brother tonight
- old friends who have walked this journey and understand
- and make time for me when visiting home from living far away
- and make plans with me for this week
- quiet and peaceful morning talking with friends
- the boy liked his gifts
- hanging out with family for brunch
- movie and a walk with 5th sister
- really great Christmas show
- afternoon with girls
- knowing that the boy is safe
- tea and comfort with my person this morning
- the boy reveals a potentially miraculous Christmas gift
- afternoon braving the crowds with one of my best girls