new year new blog

all of it

This epic year, so much change, so much transformation. Lots of pain but I am grateful for my perspective and all the people who helped me navigate it…

  1. my neighbor girl who’s own life has undergone epic epic change.
  2. my fifth sister who is safe harbor no matter what.
  3. my family who have been huddled closer as we go through major transformation.
  4. my child for staying on the planet and displaying amazing perseverance.
  5. namesake for agreeing to stay here with me no matter what.
  6. my dad for sharing his burden with all of us – we are all better for going through this.
  7. my brother for understanding things in new ways.
  8. as I write this I realize how amazing my people are.
  9. my puppy who has saved my ass every damn day.
  10. the new people who have presented themselves this year and helped me understand myself in ways I previously didn’t.
  11. friends who are articulate, with the exact dose of emotional intelligence necessary to understand my silly world.
  12. all the podcasts I listened to and my epic trip to Boston to see one live.
  13. squishy hugs that grounded me and helped to keep me safe in the moment.
  14. walking in the woods this summer and learning to enjoy walking on the beach.
  15. the time and space to make art just because.
  16. learning how not to be attached to outcomes.
  17. being able to connect with spirit in new ways and having some confidence about it.
  18. finding joy in teaching little ones how to read.
  19. connecting with old friends in ways I couldn’t before my relationship ended – the void that left, which still stops me in my tracks with grief – has opened up space for more people to show their love and appreciation for me in ways I wouldn’t have experienced.
  20. my therapeutic person for getting it and being a nurturing loving presence in my life.
  21. my social worker friend who walks this parenting walk with me every step of the way.
  22. having time and space to go on some adventures with old and new friends this summer.
  23. the simplicity of walking around my adopted home town and sampling the local offerings with friends who make me laugh.
  24. turning 50 and feeling 25.
  25. getting to see parts of my adopted state I hadn’t seen before.

I could write a list of 1000 things I was grateful for this year. One of my old friends recently said hello with a holiday update – I hadn’t talked with him in several months. As I heard myself relay my update of this year, I realized how bleak it sounded to his fresh ears. It is bleak – it’s been a crappy year and honestly – I’ve had a lot of sorrow and heartbreak for much of the last several years. I have been learning to temper my sadness and anger with the gifts of every situation – even the ones filled with despair. I think it might be the trick to surviving.

Next year, I know things will be lighter. I know that I have to let people in and learn how to feel safe.

Work in progress, trusting this life.


duck food 


  1. grateful for a snow day when I could bake and make Christmas presents all day 
  2. and hang out with 5th sister and her girl 
  3. and laugh my ass off while my friend told me silly jokes 
  4. and make fun plans for tomorrow 

small acts 


  1. long night’s sleep 
  2. smart decisions last night
  3. finished a project 
  4. a cup of tea with 5th sister 
  5. grateful for new friends I made this year 
  6. and for some peace amid the storm 

over under through 

  1. driving through four states so I could have lunch and some fun with a life long friend 
  2. safe drive home listening to music and talking with friends 
  3. so grateful to be home 

Sabbath iii


  1. friend keeping me company during errands this morning 
  2. safe and peaceful drive 
  3. fun hanging out with my brother tonight 

people who get it


  1. old friends who have walked this journey and understand 
  2. and make time for me when visiting home from living far away 
  3. and make plans with me for this week

Christmas. Lights. 


  1. quiet and peaceful morning talking with friends
  2. the boy liked his gifts 
  3. hanging out with family for brunch 
  4. movie and a walk with 5th sister

silent night, peaceful night 

  1. really great Christmas show 
  2. afternoon with girls 
  3. knowing that the boy is safe



  1. tea and comfort with my person this morning 
  2. the boy reveals a potentially miraculous Christmas gift 
  3. afternoon braving the crowds with one of my best girls